Valhalla Rising: Worse Than Cloverfield

I never thought I'd find a worse film than Cloverfield, but I just spent 90 minutes watching beardy men walk through fields. This is literally the entirety of Valhalla Rising. Some people say it is an artistic commentary on religion and the human condition, which has been disguised through marketing to look like an action film so the unsuspecting public will spend money on it, but it is not artistic in the slightest.

Here is a man in a field, look at his beard! Here is some atmospheric music as we show a wide-angle shot of men walking through a field! Look, here is a man in a field with a red-filter on the camera! And now back to normal colours! More fields! Here is a shot of a river ripped straight off a BBC nature documentary! Here is a man in a field again! 90 minutes. Of men, and fields, and beards.



And from the box and the marketing you are lead to believe that this is going to be a slightly shitter version of 300 or otherwise something that at least presents the macabre satisfaction of watching pretend-people have their pretend-limbs torn off.



Some time ago, on this very blog, I referred to Cloverfield as "a vacuum where a film should be", Valhalla Rising makes Cloverfield look like a masterpiece:

IT'S 90 MINUTES OF APATHETIC-LOOKING BEARDY MEN WALKING THROUGH FIELDS! 90 FUCKING MINUTES! YOU MIGHT AS WELL WATCH A FOOTBALL MATCH!