Suicidal Again?

I think I want to kill myself again.

I don't know - I haven't done anything suicidal yet, I've just been thinking about it a lot.

My moods are chaotic since I stopped the anti-depressants. Perhaps I should go back to the Doctor and try to explain why I suddenly stopped them without contacting him, and why I didn't go to any of my "review" sessions and dropped out of therapy. Except I'm not entirely sure why I did do any of those things.

It was New Year's eve last Friday and I got physically attacked for the 3rd time in 4 months of living in Fenham...not too badly, my friends got the worst of it, I was just knocked down and my jaw was knocked slightly out of place, I also lost my glasses but later recovered them by going back to the place we got jumped the next day. I still feel bad about this, but I dunno why. I have been attacked before. And they didn't even steal any of our stuff or continue beating us up for long.

It's just that...why would someone do that? We walked past a couple of guys on our way back from a New Year's party, I said "Happy New Year!" and they punched me in the face and started attacking my friends. Why? Why do I even care so much I'm not really hurt or anything, it just preys on my mind. Moreover why can't I do anything about this. I've been doing weights for months now, every other day, why are all the random brutes so much stronger still? I haven't really gained that much strength - perhaps this is a dyspraxia thing, apparently the condition can significantly retard muscle growth. Meh.

That was something of a tangent though, I was depressed before being mugged...again...it is just something else to think about while being depressed.

I don't really have all that many reasons to be this melancholic and despondent right now, my moods don't seem to respond to stimuli in a logical manner. Still, I don't want to go on like this. I do want to die...again. But I don't think I'm going to act on that desire this time. I can't really see how. I don't have any meds to try overdosing on now. I now realise that cutting yourself is never going to cause enough blood loss to kill you, or even make you pass out - you need someone to properly stab you for that to happen, and stabbing yourself with enough force is really difficult and nerve wracking. I don't have a gun. I looked into getting a shotgun licence yesterday, but apparently I can't get one because of my drunk and disorderly convictions.

This is a shame because maybe if I had a .12 guage shotgun and some magnum shells, I could get drunk and sit there with the end in my mouth and possibly eventually dare to pull the trigger. Maybe.

I was going to jump off the Tyne bridge in Newcastle back in early December, because the river was half frozen and I thought the fall followed by the impact with the ice-layer followed by the hypothermic reaction to the water temperature would probably kill me really quickly, but then I looked online at some stuff on hypothermia and it seemed to suggest there was a good chance I'd survive but possibly get brain damage for the rest of my life, so I thought "no".

Hours of research on the internet suggest there are no easy ways to kill yourself without the assistance of a firearm that are guaranteed to kill you and not leave you alive and disabled and suffering even more than you were beforehand for the next 50 years until you eventually die of old age or some horrible disease.

Lying on the train tracks looks good in practical terms, but the problem is I don't think I'd dare...I might have to wait over an hour for a train to come and I bet I'd run away before then, I'm not sure I'd even dare to climb onto the tracks in the first place, nevermind lie on them for 20 minutes. I also think they might be electrified, which is not good or painless.

I will probably feel better soon, and then feel terrible again, then better, then terrible and so on until I eventually go mad, 'cause thats whats been happening over the last 2 months. I had to delete a lot of people off Facebook and sever all contact with them because of things I have said in my lowest moments and stuff I have stupidly posted online in the hope of some vague catharsis or potential assistance. Best to stick to writing shit on this blog, its less...public, and yet people can still technically see it, so writing here has many of the cathartic benefits of publicly complaining/crying for help, without so much social stigma. Possibly. Also if I do kill myself someone might find this, then they can read out the whole thing at my funeral until all the non-existent guests have ran away.