Ok, to get straight to the point: This post is primarily about me wanting a girlfriend. And not a...weird...person - like my ex (and sole previous gf). A....proper girlfriend where you go out places and see films and hold hands and there is kissing and nauseating quasi-romantic facebook messages and eventual sex.
See, one of my two proper friends has a wonderful ability to charm women. Like, we go on nights out, he pulls a female member of the group he's never met before. Pretty much every time. Then they go out for a bit. I'm almost exactly matched to this guy in terms of strength and physical fitness, I'd say were pretty much equally matched in terms of looks - though obviously that is more subjective. Yet I talk to the girls more, I make them laugh and smile more, I buy them drinks and do the whole charm offensive thing...he doesn't seem to be doing anything I'm not, so why does he always pull, and why do I never pull?
Here is another curious example of this phenomena: I went to a Social Anxiety meetup in London, met up with a scouse guy first, then we met the two girls who were coming along. The day after the meetup, one of the girls started messaging me about what a wonderful guy the scouse was. They are going out now.
I'm not resentful in the slightest, don't get me wrong - I just wonder what it is that made her instantly like him, and not even consider me (I honestly had and have no romantic interest in this girl, I should restate)...yet I was there for all the time those two were together...I mean I nipped off for a piss when we were in a coffee shop so maybe he pulled some magic trick in those 2 minutes that I didn't see...but like, the scouse hardly said anything the whole time, I wouldn't say he's especially good looking as guys go. So...why'd she take such a liking to him, they barely talked, he was really quiet - I thought girls were supposed to dislike quiet guys. I talked to her the most, I made her laugh and engaged her in conversation...yet within the 3 hours she was with this guy who barely said anything, she decided she fancied him. How!? How the fuck did he do that!? I want to be able to do that!
Perhaps it is not other people having magic love tricks, but rather me being shit. I'm not very good looking, but I'm not fuck ugly or repellent either. And it seems that looks don't really matter that much as long as someone isn't grossly overweight or physically repellent...nonetheless I tried doing things with my appearance, hairstyle, clothes - to be more attractive, didn't really make a difference, reinforcing my conviction that it isn't looks that are at issue here. I see fuck ugly guys with beautiful women all the time. And hey, a gay guy called me hot the other night...he said my only physical flaw was my somewhat uneven front teeth with a gap between them, but apparently this isnt hugely noticeably awful...and while I'm not gay...gay guys are sort of like women....possibly? So if a gay guy thinks a man is good looking...possibly women do too? Or is that too much of a stretch?
Anyhoo, if not looks, then what? I don't think in the student age group people are too concerned about shit like money or careers or cars, so I don't think it is related to material possessions either.
Confidence? While at school people said I was really quiet, now people say that I'm really loud and confident, I don't think I'm overly lacking in confidence, at least, not in a way that becomes apparent at first meetings with women at social events.
Humour? Well I can generally do that really well, one of my few talents, making people laugh.
Conversation? Well I talk to girls all the time, and they seem to enjoy the conversations and are engaged in them rather than looking for an escape...hell women will often come over to talk to me at a night out, even meet up with me at subsequent social gatherings, I am, apparently, 'good craic' (that is a northern expression it means you are fun to be around)...however this is where I fall into that disgustingly entitled "friend zone" trap. Women talk to me as a friend. This suggests my conversation is good, but I'm doing something else wrong.
So what else? Any straight women have any suggestions beyond the general stuff that means nothing: "be yourself" etc.
It seems to me some people have an intangible, ephemeral personality trait a bit like charisma, which makes the opposite sex like them for no discernible reason. I seem to be massively lacking in this elusive trait.
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ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you what to do to make yourself more attractive. (Sorry if I could even fake doing that I would sell it and make a fortune off the hopelessly romantic and desperately lonely.) But I can offer a theories on why the quiet guy got the girl.
ReplyDelete1) Mystery. Sometimes the whole not talking and not telling thing intriques and confuses people. They can then confuse this intrique and stubborn need to know with actual attraction
2) Listening skills. It's kind of a lie, but girls assume guys that talk less are better at paying attention to them.
(Also I apologize for making your post all messy with the removed comment, but I really need to proof things before I post them for the entire interweb to judge)
I'll be honest, most of the questions you ask here, and indeed ask yourself, are the same ones that tore me up for a very long time. It seemed no matter how charming I tried to be, how I listened intently to every word they said, made them laugh, I still always ended up on the losing end, whilst best friends and colleagues went home with someone on their arm.
ReplyDeleteThe best and only advice I can give is that more often than not there is no real reason. It's a bizarre quirk, and one day, when you absolutely won't be looking for it or expecting it, you'll suddenly meet that someone who flips your world around.
Just keep fighting the good fight dude.
If you ever want to talk or just rant, please contact me anytime.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes.
Women, especially when young, have tiny little lizard brains that function off basic mating instructions focused on social hierarchy which evolved within the tribal unit.
ReplyDeleteWithin the tribal unit those who are most fit for breeding tend to have higher status. Lizard brained humans operate on the basic premise of trying to get more than is an equal exchange while still making realistic goals. Aiming a little higher, in other words.
Thus, when lizard brain A sees lizard brain B as possessing superior genetic quality, lizard A pursues lizard B. Lizard B ignores lizard A to hold out for, at the very least, equal genetic donation, although ideally a lizard brain somewhat superior to themselves.
Showing interest in a woman tells her tiny little lizard brain that you believe her to be a superior deal for you, and therefore she should hold off for a better bargain. By being disinterested she assumes you see her fitness as inferior, and by pursuing you she could potentially come out ahead in the deal.
This works out well, because you don't want to associate with a lizard brained creature anyway. You want a human who can make decisions using criteria more complex than color patterns and plumage.